My Alcohol Story
I had my first drink when I was 12 or 13 years old. Growing up, one of my close friends would spend every other weekend w/ his Dad, who lived in another city. The only ‘'rule" in his house: “Pizza is only eaten while drinking a beer." So, I had my first taste of beer before I went through puberty, and I found it disgusting. I have another memory that he made shots for us one night; manhattans I think. This gave me a bit of a buzz, but mostly tired. It never happened again, likely because it wasn't much fun beyond knowing it wasn't allowed. I didn't tell my parents until I was in my 20s, and I don't recall thinking much about it afterward.
My second encounter w/ alcohol was probably during my junior year of high school. One of those typical situations where a set of "cool parents" take the stance that "if you're gonna drink, we'd rather it be in our house," so they take the keys and provide a bunch of Booze and everyone hangs out and gets drunk. I was a pretty religious kid at this point and I was very well known within my school as such, so I'm sure even being invited was a stretch. I certainly did not want to stand out, so I participated. I opted for the blueberry boones farm wine cooler. Compared to the Beer I tried years before, it tasted pretty good. I doubt I had more than few sips, felt "buzzed” and that was it. I went home, felt ENORMOUS guilt, and never drank again in high school.
Encounter number three comes on my 21st birthday. I am a junior in college at a school where all students have signed a contract that they will not drink, among other things. I had a friend from out of town visit me, who didn’t know the rules and he brought me a beer. We went to a local park, I cracked the beer and probably drank half of it (still hating it), and that was that…
The following steps are fuzzy to me…I don't think alcohol really entered my life again until my senior year of college when I moved off campus… I have memories of drinking beers with friends where I am still forcing it down and acting like I like it…but never really getting a taste for it. It reminds me of Allen Carr's book (the easy way to control alcohol), where he describes alcohol as a vile drink that really doesn't taste good at all! I think this time, in my early 20s, I was forcing Beer down because I was finally "allowed" to do it, and I was supposed to do it!
As I progress into my 20s, my social circle naturally begins to include more alcohol and I naturally started to enjoy it more, it's just…FUN. My friends work at bars where we drink for cheap, we got out, we go to shows & go on my first tours w/ my close friends. We are young, it's innocent, and it's all good. We are getting drunk, of course, but the consequences seem extremely low; hangovers are manageable, it's new and exciting, and it's precisely what I am supposed to be doing at 22/23 years old. My relationship w/ alcohol is great…I was using IT; IT wasn't using me.
In my senior year of college, my friends started a band, and I became their manager. We set off on a journey together that will undoubtedly be my life's best and most memorable years. It changed my life forever. This takes me on a 17-year journey marked w/ so many highs that I would lose track. It was an incredible time of brotherhood, friendship, fun, and plenty of drinking. Indeed, there are times when things are done or said that I regret or don't like, but the stakes here still feel pretty low. And I still feel like I'm using alcohol; it's not using me. We all seemed to be progressing through life, and alcohol was undoubtedly not holding us back…in fact, it was likely giving us the impression that it was greasing the wheels of life. Let's call this "Gear 1" of my drinking career.
Around 24/25 years old, we shift into "Gear 2". We graduate from almost exclusively drinking Beer to hard alcohol (still drinking beer, but booze, too!). Many of my friends are getting engaged, and soon, my calendar will be filled with bachelor parties. If our group's drinking ever entered the "binge" category, we certainly crossed that boundary on these trips. I could now drink 12 beers in a day, take as many shots, and still be standing at the end of the night. Again, it is all fun and "normal" for mid to late 20-somethings trying to have some fun. And it was. I experiment w/ some recreational drugs here and again, it feels more like having fun here than escaping. We'll get to the escaping.
Somewhere in here, life gets more serious. We're married, and my fun job w/ my friends was becoming my career. We are making money, which makes everything more serious, and the stress & anxiety begins to elevate. The stakes are rising. Alcohol is now always around. I'm bringing it to family gatherings; it's prominent in my life. In addition….this is when craft beer & cocktails become extremely prevalent. Mad Men is out, and we are all Don Draper. It's cool, classy, and sophisticated to know how to make the PERFECT old fashioned and know about the small batch IPA from the Russian River. Alcohol isn't just about getting fucked up, it's sophistication! I fell for this hook, line & sinker. Booze has now become a lifestyle. What you drink and how you drink is who you are, which means a lot to me. A lot.
As I go from my 20s to my 30s, I begin to get glimpses that alcohol is doing me absolutely no favors when it comes to my physique or mental well-being. I'm chubby, weak, and bloated. Foggy-headed, anxious & in-consistent. I look and feel like shit, and I suspect beer is the culprit, so I cut it out. I started working out and got pretty into my health & body. I begin my first cycles of stretches of cutting out drinking altogether…getting fit, losing weight, and getting healthy.
Once I establish myself in this new regime, hard liquor re-emerges. Tequila, vodka, whiskey. Becoming an expert in these spirits is a point of pleasure & passion & identity. Also, tequila is healthy! Fewer calories, it's paleo. No problem. You're the problem, not the alcohol; figure it out. Learn how to manage it. Everyone else can.
"Gear 3." Somewhere in here, I start to use alcohol to medicate. I remember one night in particular when I felt despondent about a friendship that was over. I set out to drink too much and take a couple pills (Vicodin I had lying around) to just escape. The result was the first time I ever blacked out. I didn't even know blacking out like this was possible. I think it scared my wife, and it certainly scared me. I most definitely made light of it, but it is undoubtedly marked in my memory as a time when I can highlight that I turned to alcohol to medicate and "go somewhere else."
Around this time, there were some additional bumps and bruises. The stresses of work and an unexpected miscarriage made my desire to ease the pain that much more prevalent.
At 31, we have our first child, our son. Around this time, work has ramped up to an all-time high. I have built a career that exceeded any of my original expectations; and the financial stakes we’re rising enormously.
As kids come and things get more complicated, juggling work, wife & life, my drinking ramps up. I don't know how to manage or cope w/ all the stress. Around this time in my life, I experimented a bit more w/ harder drugs but they make me feel absolutely terrible, so they do not become things I seek very often. Alcohol made me feel bad enough; I didn't need any other outside sources to help with that…but hey, I did have some fun nights.
The first few years of early kids and a career that is still climbing, I began to have my first thoughts about my drinking patterns. Am I drinking too much? Is this normal? But I am not losing my job, my marriage is intact (although around this time, it's not firing on all cylinders), and life seems to be ok….alcohol isn't costing me much externally…but internally, I am suffering. I am seem to be stressed all the time, and I use alcohol to cope w/ that stress, which makes me feel worse, and it's a cycle that never ends. My social life & work life are becoming more and more engulfed in alcohol, and it is starting to feel like I don't have control anymore….I take breaks here and there…2 weeks, a week, a few days…and I always come back to it because it's everywhere in my life at this point, and not to mention, I'm the life of the party!
I am an Enneagram 7, full-blown addict to a good time. Im a “keep the party going at all costs sort of person”. My default setting is to do almost ANYTHING else in order to avoid showing you how I truly feel. If we can have fun, everything is all good! And alcohol is FUN! I want to have fun, and everyone around me needs to have fun too! So, I push everyone to keep up. I have no doubt that I set the boundaries of the drinking in my life and friend group. I was obsessed w/ it; therefore, it was everywhere, all the time, and I was not just partaking, but distributing. Vacations, day trips, camping, beach days, just about anything turned into drinking adventures. I would bring it, give it out, and ensure at least one other participated so I didn't stand out! Because that's other fascinating trait of my personality, I never want to stand out. So it was a constant game: bring the Booze, distribute it, and go! I was, however, keenly aware that at the end of the night, most of the time, I was the one who had had the most to drink. I was the drunk one; I was the one who pushed it too far. I was clearly avoiding the painful parts of myself that, although temporarily, became a blur the more I drank. I'm 40 years old and only now realizing that running from pain only brings on more pain. And that's what drinking was for me, a way to run.
In 2016, my friend bet me $100 bucks I couldn’t go 5 months without alcohol. Being the cocky dick that I can be, I say, of course I can! And I take the bet. I don't think I took that bet to make $100 bucks. I did not need the money that particular year. I had a 2-year-old and a newborn, one of my artists was headlining Coachella, and it was time to focus. I had taken breaks before, and they were great, so why not take a break now. And what better excuse to all my friends as to why I wasn't drinking than a bet!
I remember those 4 months being great. Yes, there were moments I was bored, and my friends were annoyed, but I remember thinking, I'm never going back. And if I had some more tools to cope and deal with and own the decision, I would have stayed alcohol-free. But, the social pressure alone was enough to get me back in. I remember being clear, present, engaged, less anxious, and just …. lighter during that time.
I'll never forget the first drink I took after the 4 months off. It truly felt like I was drinking poison (which, of course, I was). I don't remember the exact timeline; within days, I'm sure; I was back to my usual self, drinking most nights, getting drunk on the weekends, and speeding through life as if the break had never happened! In fact, the break convinced me and my relationship w/ alcohol that there was NO WAY I had a problem. Anyone with an alcohol problem could never take a 4-month break. I'm in a great spot. I can use alcohol whenever I want and stop whenever I want; it's no problem at all. I got it.
Fast forward to the end of 2018, and I was exhausted. The craziest couple of years of my music career left me completely empty. Add Small kids, working 80 hours per week, and drinking most days. I presented happiness at all times, and there were undoubtedly happy times, but I felt completely burnt out by life. December 2018 was the first time I thought about quitting my job. The job that had meant to much to me, was starting to make me feel trapped. Feeling completely out of gas, Booze was the only thing I thought could fill me back up. At times, it would work. I had countless nights w/ friends where bonds were made that will never be forgotten. But inevitably, it would be one night too many, 1 drink too many, leaving me exhausted and beaten down by everything.
I remember tackling 2019 the same way I did '18, and at the end of that year, knowing it was time for me to quit my job, knowing it was time to make changes in my life, knowing my drinking was too much, but not really knowing what to do and how to get out of it. I would go through spurts of losing some weight, trying to not drink for a month and, lasting 2 weeks or 2 days, going up & down, feeling good & bad, high & low, a constant cycle over and over and over again. Alcohol is gaining ground on my happiness all the time and getting more and more pervasive in my life.
Enter March 2020, “Gear 4” - the day the world froze, and everyone went home from work. I was the most hungover I had ever been up to that point in my life. The night before, with COVID in the headlines, I went out w/ some friends. I drank a ridiculous amount of beers, sake, and eventually martinis. I was so hungover, I got sick. It was a multi-day hangover, something I was becoming increasingly familiar with.
The world stops. At the time, I was in a healthier up-swing. I was working out regularly, attempting to control my eating and drinking…
Obviously, this all grinds to a halt. We are so fucking bored; drinking is the only thing that can help break the monotony, so here we go! Bottles of alcohol are flowing through our house at a pretty rapid pace. I am buying two bottles of tequila at a time and drinking an entire bottle within days, pretty much by myself. We eat, drink, and work the first 6 months of the pandemic. My work at this point is extremely mundane and difficult, are all trying to figure it out, I have no answers, I'm empty. So I drink because It's my only escape.
In late 2020, I really started to think heavily about my drinking… it's pervasive in every aspect of my life; it's starting to take over and dictate my happiness. If we aren't drinking at an event, I'm annoyed; if it's hard to get a drink, I'm irritated….kids bday party and no booze? how could it be? When the world opens up for the first time, EVERYONE is ready to blow off ALL the steam, and so I do. My work life is up-side down, I hate covid, and drinking makes it all better. I wonder if I'm an alcoholic. I google it, and I worry about it all the time.
On my birthday in 2020, I was able to get my friends together for a guys weekend in palm springs. It was a fantastic time w/ friends. Still, I'll never forget, in a moment of quiet by myself outside on the lounge chairs, pretty drunk and drinking a beer, when the thought came to me… "this isn't fun anymore." I knew then that alcohol had defeated me; I wasn't using IT anymore; IT was using me. Nonetheless, I carry on. And 2020 is marked by some very fun times with close friends that I look back on very fondly, but I'm drunk for most of it. When I scroll through photo memories of this time in my life, I’m ashamed to see the amount of times when I can see in my eyes, that I am drunk.
In 2021, I'm pretty much fed up w/ my drinking. It's controlling me, and I want to stop. I've also come to finally admit that my job is directly impacting my drinking. I am constantly medicating the stress, anxiety, and pain I feel from my job; the only thing that makes it better is drinking. I work hard all week and will get drunk on the weekends….rinse & repeat.
In this cycle, my good friend recommends the book "Quit Like a Woman." by Holly Whitaker. I devour the book. The authors story floors me. Everything in the book resonates with me, and I feel incredibly empowered. I read the book twice and read Allen Carr's "The Easy Way to quit alcohol," which I also finished in days. I feel I have agency over alcohol for the first time in my drinking career, and I quit, and I tell myself that it's for good. At the end of Carr's book he encourages you to pour a drink, knowing it will be your last, and take the shot. His closing words, "Never question this decision."
I'm simultaneously quitting the career I've built. It was highly stressful, and I wanted to be clear-headed throughout the process. I go about 4 months without alcohol, and I navigate this time in my life in a way that I am very proud of looking back, and there is no way I could have done that if I was drinking. I battled through a lot of tough things while also in therapy, all without drinking…
In August of 2021, I navigated most of the complicated career changes; I saw the fog lift, and then I began to tell myself maybe it was that old job the whole time! Alcohol isn't the culprit; it's that job that was making you crazy! Alcohol can be fun again! Hangovers aren’t bad! You can do this! Take advantage of your friends having a good time; you can do this!
And so I forget all the stuff from the books I've read, I question the decision, and I start drinking…
“Gear 5.”
I'm free from my old job. I have landed a new job, and now I have 2 months of a stress-free life where I can drink for fun! And I do. Covid is still around, and so boredom is still a factor, but I'm traveling a lot, drinking A LOT, and it's all good (in my head).
Top of 22, it is a new start; I'm certainly exhausted by the end of '21 and what I likely put my body through, but I'm so energized by the new job I've convinced myself alcohol is not the issue. I'm drinking every single night, typically by myself, and I'm getting drunk every weekend. Most weekends, it's Friday & Saturday night.
In 2022, I don't think I went more than a few days without having a drink. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if I drank for 3 months straight. I was in a new job, but the stress was so much less than my previous job; it was easy to maintain my drinking. Socially, we were coming out of a pandemic and open and going out. Alcohol had now made its way into every single activity in my life. On the weekends, I was drinking earlier and earlier, and on the weekdays, I was getting drunk more and more often. It would not uncommon for me to be drunk 3-4 times in a given week.
In social settings, I was becoming more and more aware of my anxiety around alcohol. I would be STRESSED & NERVOUS AND VERY IRRITATED if I couldn't get a drink. If I could get a drink, I would be stressed about how I could get my NEXT drink. If I were ordering multiple drinks for multiple ppl, I would be worried about whose drink had the most alcohol in the glass! I wanted the one that was filled to the top. I would order multiple drinks at a time and have 3 drinks at home before I went out to make sure I could get drunk enough while being out! Because, of course, the alcohol stopped working. It was taking more and more and more alcohol to get where I wanted to be…
4, 5, 6 martinis…what was enough? Drinking, Drinking, Drinking, it was constant.
Two other notes:
My dad stopped drinking in his mid 50’s because he wasn’t having fun anymore either, his mother drank as did others in my family, on both sides. It was not something that was discussed with me as a child or even as an adult, until recently. I suspect there is some genetic thread that connects these commonalities among the generations in my family, which has put an even bigger microscope on the issue for me as my own kids started to grow up and mature and see that alcohol was always around..always. I want to talk to my kids about why I decided to stop drinking alcohol and how I think I used alcohol to cope…maybe someday they will read this.
My good friend & client Richard Swift died from alcohol abuse. We were not as close in the later years of his life, but we were in touch till the end, and it was so incredibly sad to me that someone could lose control of their life to such a terrible addiction. I feel very blessed that alcohol has not progressed as deeply into my life, but I can certainly see how it happens. I don't think many ppl start out drinking w/ the expectation that it will kill you; I certainly don't think Richard did. Ultimately, In a life marked by significant trauma, alcohol was the only constant thing in his life, and it had convinced him it was worth losing everything for it. At his funeral and at the funerals of others that I have attended for deaths related to alcohol, I was struck that we would be celebrating & remembering our friends and loved ones by raising a glass of the very poison that took them from us. What an incredibly powerful drug.
In mid-2022, it became clear that I was losing control. I would tell myself I wouldn't drink during the week, and on Monday evening, I was pouring a glass of tequila. If I went 3 days without drinking, I would celebrate and get drunk. Luckily..the realization I had in 2020 and the break I took in '16 & '21 were in the back of my mind somewhere, rattling around. Every time I woke up bloated & hungover. Lying to myself and my wife about how I really felt, I was growing sick & tired of this terrible cycle. I concluded that it didn't matter what job it was if there was a pandemic or whatever else…I hated my relationship w/ alcohol.
In late 2022, I re-read Holly Whitaker's book for the 3rd time and re-read Allen Carr's book, too. I really hated my relationship with alcohol, and I was ready to change.
I was sick of the fact that it was EVERYWHERE in my life. My kid's events, every single night, every single weekend, every single social event…get together with friends, get drunk. Missing meaningful connections with my friends, with my wife, with my family. Priority: get drunk.
I made the decision in December 2022 that I would stop drinking on New Year's Day. I went to New York, drank my last martinis, and nursed my final hangovers.
On New Year's Eve, I was drunk by 9pm and basically falling asleep by 10pm. I don't remember the night much at all. I was with some of my closest friends, and I don't know what we did or talked about…
And this was the theme for countless nights leading up to this point. It wasn't fun anymore. It was killing me. Robbing me not just of my joy but of my life. Alcohol had seeped into every single corner of my life, infecting it and convincing me that it was essential for happiness. I was sick of feeling tired, I was sick of looking at the guy in the mirror and not recognizing him, I was sick of feeling like shit all the time. All the fucking time. Alcohol was using me, and IT was in control.
Around this time, approaching 40, I went to the doctor for the first time in 10 years. I was overweight, I was basically pre-diabetic, high cholesterol, poor blood-pressure, and on and on. I felt weak and disconnected from my body. I knew very clearly the path I was on. In 10 years, I would be a shell of what I am now, which seems to be a guy who is fading away. I had to take control.
I had my last drink on Jan 1st. A gin & tonic. I remember not enjoying it and pouring it out with the powerful notion it would be my last.
Tomorrow it will be 1 year of being alcohol free. There are so many days/weeks that are hard. The first year is filled w/ FIRSTS and all the triggers that come w/ life. Stress, work, holidays, celebrations, wins, loses, highs, lows, going out, staying in, eating, cooking, fucking anything. It's A LOT of work, but I genuinely don't think I've ever been happier, which, in my opinion, is measured by the consistency I have shown across all the areas of my life. I'm consistent in my relationships with my wife, kids, health, and mental health. I am consistent at work and in my professional life. I am managing stress and dealing w/ life and finding healthier ways to cope w/ the issues that come my way. This year has been my most consistent in every aspect of my life. I'm so thankful for this time and thankful I could take control of this thing that seemed to be taking more and more control of my life.
I'm thankful to be on this path and grateful that I could write and share all of this.
I am not using alcohol; alcohol is not using me.